Dear Ate Joy,
It’s the day. The day everyone is actually waiting for. Everyone except me, everyone pretty much feels quite lonesome but really happy for this day. But you never really knew how I feel about the fact that you are leaving. Since it’s all about honesty now, I don’t really like you to leave. You know me better than the fake smiles I throw whenever we talk about you going to Canada. The feeling really sucks. Harder than any break-up. Hurts more than any injury. And smells worse than a rotten egg. I’ve been with you my whole life. That makes it half of your life. This is the first time I will be confiding something to you and it sucks it has to be this sad.
First off, I love you Ate Joy but I don’t have anything like a going away present, I can only give you this letter. I wanna thank you. For everything. For being the best aunt, the best ninang, and a very good friend I could ask for. Thank you for correcting everything before you leave. Thank you for painting the living room my favorite color. Thank you for buying me all the things I need. Sayo ko namana yung diskarte ko, pati yung talino, I have to say thank you for that. It will take some getting used to not having around this house. Your departure is a wakeup call for me. Snapped me back to reality that the world isn’t just about me. I have my own world, and it’s sad that someone has to leave it. Unang paragraph palang pero ilang beses ko ng nabanggit yung salitang ‘Sad’. Thank you, because you have been part of my upbringing. But I failed in some way, I can’t find any reason for you to be proud of me but I’m so thankful for the support you have given me since the day I was born. It’s really hard for me to stay positive despite the situation but it’s the only way to make it easier for you. Thank you for giving me the best you can give me, even though times of me being unreasonable occur. I’m sorry this has to be sad, it’s just that, spoiled ako sayo, and you are one solid proof of the quotation, we do not know the value of something unless it’s gone. And you’re not even dead yet, ganito na ko kalungkot, What more if you will leave us for good. I know you’ll be back, but how soon is soon, right? If there’s something I hate, it’s people leaving. It gives me the feeling of extreme sadness. Pag alis mo, I prolly would lock myself inside your room. Kaso hindi naman pwede kasi unang una may isang malaking doorway na walang pinto. And I have to go to school. I’m really sorry, minsan perwisyo lang ako at walang maitulong. Meron pala, gumawa ng tarp, I’ll definitely miss that. When I see tarpaulins I’ll probably burst into tears because it reminds me of you. I’m not saying all of this to give you more sadness, I’m telling you this because I want you to know how special you are to me. I will definitely miss the moments I would unintentionally wake up in the morning and hear your TV on Channel 26. I will also definitely miss how much noise you make on a Sunday talking to Kuya Menat. The only thing positive thing I see here is you earning money for us. But that doesn’t really mean anything to me kasi malayo ka naman samin. It sucks to be in this position where in I can’t really do anything to make you stay. Paano na pag Christmas. Who would take all the pictures? Wala ka na rin sa pictures. I can’t believe our last picture together will be the one that of New Year. The one that’s the wallpaper of your phone. I really regret having many pictures with other people and having only a few with you. How about my birthday? No one would bake Lasagna for me. The person who usually gives me the best presents is not here anymore. And now I realize, pag dating ng birthday ko, ang gugustuhin ko nalang regalo is umuwi ka, likewise, sa New Year and Christmas. Upon writing this, I figured out why I’m this sad. Kasi para na kitang pangalawang Mommy.
I promise you my Graduation. I know kaya ka aalis is to make everyone’s lives easier. Even if it means compromising yours. It’s really immature for me to whine about this but this is what family is about. It’s all about sacrifices, which I never learned to do until this moment. Paano pala pag graduation ko na? Lahat ng graduation ko andun ka, tapos sa college mawawala ka. Hindi ko masasabing sa Canada na tayo magkikita kasi ayoko talagang pumunta dun. Bumalik ka nalang agad. Maayos yung trabaho mo dito kaya sana wag kang kukuha ng trabahong mahirap dun. Alam mo lang kung ano kaya mong gawin, don’t over exhaust yourself.
Ngayon palang a part of me feels missing, even though you’re on your bed. Sleeping. Parang kulang na. Sa laki ng bahay, mararamdaman mo talaga pag may taong wala. Nanghihinayang ako sa mga ilang sabado na wala ako sa bahay. I could’ve just stayed home knowing na aalis ka. I’ve been to selfish, inconsiderate, and arrogant. I want you to know, aalagaan ko si Daphne, hindi ko naman papabayaan yung paborito mo. Kasi paborito ko rin yun. I will make her feel what you made me feel, more than loved. Pag iipunan ko nalang yung pambili niya ng laruan every week. Kung kakayanin dadalhan ko din siya ng fries at float twing umuuwi ako. Ang hirap kasi sa pakiramdam ng wala ka, gusto ko maramdaman niyang parang andiyan ka pa rin. Walang magbabago sa routine. Hayaan mo rin, I won’t be such a pain in the ass for lolo and lola. Hindi ko naman hahayaang mamatay sila ng hindi ako stable. Si Link, hindi ko maipapangako, minsan ko lang siya gusto eh, hindi kami gaanong magkasundo ng aso.
Hindi naman totoong mabilis lang yun oras eh. Feeling ko, mas hahaba ang every second sakin. Kasi hihintayin talaga kita bumalik. Ayaw kitang umalis Ate Joy eh. It may take a lot of getting used to pero I’m sure it won’t happen. Daig pa neto first love, hindi ako makakamove on. Wag mong isiping mahihilo ka sa eroplano kasi mahihilo ka talaga. Mamaya ko na bibilhin yung mga gamut na pinapabili mo sa akin. Nakalimutan ko na sa kakaayos ng mga gamit ko for Monday eh. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kita mamimiss. Ang hirap hirap sa pakiramdam. Knowing the fact that I can’t make you stay, because of the fact that one of the main reasons prolly the only reason you’re leaving is for my benefit. I have to clean the house once in a while, masakit na rin sa mata to see the house really unorganized. Marami pa kong gustong sabihin kaso hindi ko na maalala yung iba. So this letter pretty much has a random flow to it.
I’m tired. Ihahatid ka pa naming mamaya. I don’t feeling joining them nga eh. I dunno maybe because I really don’t want you to leave and if I join them in sending you off it would be tolerating something I don’t like. Thank you for the unconditional love. Sorry for being a brat. I love you. I don’t really wanna type the words good bye here… But every farewell letter is required to have goodbye in it or else it doesn’t make any sense. Skype wouldn’t be enough for me. Please come back as soon as possible. See you soon Ate Joy. I’m really proud of all the things you’ve done here. And I will be more proud if you would do a number of great things in Canada.
P.S. Please be there on my 25th Birthday. It’s the only time you’re allowed to come back here.
Love,
Bart.
