A While.

It's been a while since I wrote here. I'm actually at a loss of words these past months. Five months have passed since I wrote something here. I don't want to disappoint, I don't want to write anything that's of less significance in my life. The four months I wasn't able to update was full of love, the fifth was just stunningly boring and painful.

I've done lots within the said date. Now, I'm in fashion school. Hopefully, I could open a serious fashion blog. See, I'm still random, and full of utter non-sense. See you soon, Rob.

Inevitable.

Hello Blog! A lot of things has changed since I last posted here. Now I have a DSLR Camera, and since Blogspot gives me a hard time making photo posts. I post most of my shots at Tumblr.

I met Kim, the best guy I ever had, I feel that this will last, the first month is drawing near, and there is no stopping. I have to keep this short because I really can't explain how much he means to me.

Written on one of the saddest Mornings of my life. It’s 1:16AM of June 10, 2011.

Dear Ate Joy,

It’s the day. The day everyone is actually waiting for. Everyone except me, everyone pretty much feels quite lonesome but really happy for this day. But you never really knew how I feel about the fact that you are leaving. Since it’s all about honesty now, I don’t really like you to leave. You know me better than the fake smiles I throw whenever we talk about you going to Canada. The feeling really sucks. Harder than any break-up. Hurts more than any injury. And smells worse than a rotten egg. I’ve been with you my whole life. That makes it half of your life. This is the first time I will be confiding something to you and it sucks it has to be this sad.

First off, I love you Ate Joy but I don’t have anything like a going away present, I can only give you this letter. I wanna thank you. For everything. For being the best aunt, the best ninang, and a very good friend I could ask for. Thank you for correcting everything before you leave. Thank you for painting the living room my favorite color. Thank you for buying me all the things I need. Sayo ko namana yung diskarte ko, pati yung talino, I have to say thank you for that. It will take some getting used to not having around this house. Your departure is a wakeup call for me. Snapped me back to reality that the world isn’t just about me. I have my own world, and it’s sad that someone has to leave it. Unang paragraph palang pero ilang beses ko ng nabanggit yung salitang ‘Sad’. Thank you, because you have been part of my upbringing. But I failed in some way, I can’t find any reason for you to be proud of me but I’m so thankful for the support you have given me since the day I was born. It’s really hard for me to stay positive despite the situation but it’s the only way to make it easier for you. Thank you for giving me the best you can give me, even though times of me being unreasonable occur. I’m sorry this has to be sad, it’s just that, spoiled ako sayo, and you are one solid proof of the quotation, we do not know the value of something unless it’s gone. And you’re not even dead yet, ganito na ko kalungkot, What more if you will leave us for good. I know you’ll be back, but how soon is soon, right? If there’s something I hate, it’s people leaving. It gives me the feeling of extreme sadness. Pag alis mo, I prolly would lock myself inside your room. Kaso hindi naman pwede kasi unang una may isang malaking doorway na walang pinto. And I have to go to school. I’m really sorry, minsan perwisyo lang ako at walang maitulong. Meron pala, gumawa ng tarp, I’ll definitely miss that. When I see tarpaulins I’ll probably burst into tears because it reminds me of you. I’m not saying all of this to give you more sadness, I’m telling you this because I want you to know how special you are to me. I will definitely miss the moments I would unintentionally wake up in the morning and hear your TV on Channel 26. I will also definitely miss how much noise you make on a Sunday talking to Kuya Menat. The only thing positive thing I see here is you earning money for us. But that doesn’t really mean anything to me kasi malayo ka naman samin. It sucks to be in this position where in I can’t really do anything to make you stay. Paano na pag Christmas. Who would take all the pictures? Wala ka na rin sa pictures. I can’t believe our last picture together will be the one that of New Year. The one that’s the wallpaper of your phone. I really regret having many pictures with other people and having only a few with you. How about my birthday? No one would bake Lasagna for me. The person who usually gives me the best presents is not here anymore. And now I realize, pag dating ng birthday ko, ang gugustuhin ko nalang regalo is umuwi ka, likewise, sa New Year and Christmas. Upon writing this, I figured out why I’m this sad. Kasi para na kitang pangalawang Mommy.

I promise you my Graduation. I know kaya ka aalis is to make everyone’s lives easier. Even if it means compromising yours. It’s really immature for me to whine about this but this is what family is about. It’s all about sacrifices, which I never learned to do until this moment. Paano pala pag graduation ko na? Lahat ng graduation ko andun ka, tapos sa college mawawala ka. Hindi ko masasabing sa Canada na tayo magkikita kasi ayoko talagang pumunta dun. Bumalik ka nalang agad. Maayos yung trabaho mo dito kaya sana wag kang kukuha ng trabahong mahirap dun. Alam mo lang kung ano kaya mong gawin, don’t over exhaust yourself.

Ngayon palang a part of me feels missing, even though you’re on your bed. Sleeping. Parang kulang na. Sa laki ng bahay, mararamdaman mo talaga pag may taong wala. Nanghihinayang ako sa mga ilang sabado na wala ako sa bahay. I could’ve just stayed home knowing na aalis ka. I’ve been to selfish, inconsiderate, and arrogant. I want you to know, aalagaan ko si Daphne, hindi ko naman papabayaan yung paborito mo. Kasi paborito ko rin yun. I will make her feel what you made me feel, more than loved. Pag iipunan ko nalang yung pambili niya ng laruan every week. Kung kakayanin dadalhan ko din siya ng fries at float twing umuuwi ako. Ang hirap kasi sa pakiramdam ng wala ka, gusto ko maramdaman niyang parang andiyan ka pa rin. Walang magbabago sa routine. Hayaan mo rin, I won’t be such a pain in the ass for lolo and lola. Hindi ko naman hahayaang mamatay sila ng hindi ako stable. Si Link, hindi ko maipapangako, minsan ko lang siya gusto eh, hindi kami gaanong magkasundo ng aso.

Hindi naman totoong mabilis lang yun oras eh. Feeling ko, mas hahaba ang every second sakin. Kasi hihintayin talaga kita bumalik. Ayaw kitang umalis Ate Joy eh. It may take a lot of getting used to pero I’m sure it won’t happen. Daig pa neto first love, hindi ako makakamove on. Wag mong isiping mahihilo ka sa eroplano kasi mahihilo ka talaga. Mamaya ko na bibilhin yung mga gamut na pinapabili mo sa akin. Nakalimutan ko na sa kakaayos ng mga gamit ko for Monday eh. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kita mamimiss. Ang hirap hirap sa pakiramdam. Knowing the fact that I can’t make you stay, because of the fact that one of the main reasons prolly the only reason you’re leaving is for my benefit. I have to clean the house once in a while, masakit na rin sa mata to see the house really unorganized. Marami pa kong gustong sabihin kaso hindi ko na maalala yung iba. So this letter pretty much has a random flow to it.

I’m tired. Ihahatid ka pa naming mamaya. I don’t feeling joining them nga eh. I dunno maybe because I really don’t want you to leave and if I join them in sending you off it would be tolerating something I don’t like. Thank you for the unconditional love. Sorry for being a brat. I love you. I don’t really wanna type the words good bye here… But every farewell letter is required to have goodbye in it or else it doesn’t make any sense. Skype wouldn’t be enough for me. Please come back as soon as possible. See you soon Ate Joy. I’m really proud of all the things you’ve done here. And I will be more proud if you would do a number of great things in Canada.

P.S. Please be there on my 25th Birthday. It’s the only time you’re allowed to come back here.

Love,

Bart.

Should have

I shoud've known that this will happen. I'm torn, between a lot of guys I'm attached to. Thing is, everything is worse than infatuation. I just wish I can make up my mind before it's too late. And I hope I make the right choices.

Cold Summer Nights

Everything came back, all of the pain from the past. Thought of all of my Ex's and Almosts'. It's hard. It's painful. It's one of those days where you fell all the pain you've been hiding, compiled like a nifty program waiting to debug. Debug now, so errors will be gone. By then, the bitch will be totally back

Funnest Day Ever

This is pretty much a photoblog entry. I love this reunion day. I just wish we were complete though.

It's not always Rainbows and Butterflies.

It's compromise that moves us along. In life, we have to make sacrifices. Here I am again, trapped in a crossroad, without bare knowledge on which road to take. All I know is, I'm tired of the drama, the stress, and the intoxication being in a production brings.

It's my friends who motivate me to look forward to another party night. It's the laughter, it's the fun that makes me forget the exhaustion, the tipsiness my line of work brings.

I'm resigning from my production. I need to focus on the things that would be coming in the future. The spotlight in this business has too much glare. My reputation is something I wouldn't let be tarnished.

See you soon, Stellar. :)

At a Loss

I’m seriously at a loss, of fucks, yes, of fucks I’m about to give to people. I’m starting to care less. I’m starting to be more inconsiderate of how people feel about me. I’m starting to see what I need to do for myself, more than what I need to do for others.

I’m seeing my future now. I see myself in my very own Advertising Agency. As the days pass, I’m more and more inclined to the Marketing Field. I wanted to be a free lance artist who stays at home and paints his life off. But this time I want to be practical. For someone who hasn’t even graduated yet, I’m kind of an ass to think of these things. But hey, I have to be practical. Even though I always win all the time. LOLJK.

I need to set things straight. I have to look forward to what this fucked up world will bring me.

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Of Bullshit and Pixies

Me? Sad? Kinda. I’m just tired of the bull this day gave me. I mean, it was alright but I was expecting a smooth flow of events until I sleep.

Anyway. I did a painting of a pixie on Berkeley Board. This was done with Watercolor and a little bit of Tears. LOLJK about the tears part. First decent Artwork of the year.

I'm a Mime, Duh

I'm a Mime, Duh by Robi Wilson featuring green jeans

I want to be a mime someday. This is proof

Bii

Then when you least expect it, someone will come by and turn your life around. Hey blog! I found someone who happens to love me a lot, and what do you know, the feeling is mutual. My friends say we make a cute couple, I just can't help but agree. Another 'L' came in, he's my own version of Stephanie Meyer's Edward Cullen. Yes, he looks like a fictional hot vampire character, but what we feel for each other is factual.

What do you know, that hang on a tightrope was worth it. There was a trampoline to catch me when I fall.

I'm scared, doubtful, and anxious, and at the same time excited, because I found someone who understands and loves me unconditionally. This is something. This is love.

Blogger

Hi Blog. I never thought I would open you again, but I really can't take everything that's been happening on my own. I need to confide this to you. I feel hanging, on a tightrope, like a circus performer, wearing a fake smile, heavy make-up, and a blow of wind will send me falling a hundred feet to solid ground.

The guy's name is Fall. We started out as really good friends, but with the personality he has, he can make anyone like him. Including me. It's really hard to act like I'm not expecting anything in return but that's the only way to keep him beside me. Painful, it is. I want more. He gave me hopes of we can take it to the next level, but as of this moment; It just keeps me holding onto something that is theoretical. It's time to be rational. I'm not in a rush, but symptoms tell me that I have a broken heart.

Indie Popped

Indie Popped by Robi Wilson featuring glass shades

Requiem

The most Frequently Asked Question. It's under repair, hoping for the best, but experiencing the worst. I don't mean to blow your dashboards with negative vibes but this has to get out of my system.

It was the ULTIMATE Dance Challenge of the UST Faculty of Engineering. I was woriking for the student council before so I was invited to witness the said event. You were on food distribution duty with me. I can't even count how many times our eyes met and we just smiled. Every time I'm not around you would go look for me, maybe it was a special connection. That night I got hand of your number, then so on and so forth.

I got to know who you really are. And I never thought you'd be mine. On the 25th we e became official, It was the start of the happiest days of my life. You would go to FEU just to meet me, and I would do the same to meet you at UST and we take long jeepney and LRT rides together. People think it was just an infatuation with a hint of lust, but we both know better. It was Love, the time I believed in it. You got along with my friends, to the extent of being with them everyday of the duration that there was 'US'.

We, I mean, I had issues, It was something I never thought I would regret, I tried making you jealous, but that was for the sake of finding out if you would fight for me, but apparently, you loved me too much with enough reasons to let me go for whatever makes me happy. I just really wanted you to fight for me, for us. I never thought you would let go easily and I never thought it would all sum up to this.

It's been 6 Months since we broke up, I've had 2 relationships after ours but I couldn't consider them real. Nothing really feels right without you. I tried fighting back, I tried winning you back. I've cried too many tears for you, and I've punched your face good enough to make it bleed.

I can hate you but only for a while, I would always end up running back to you even if it's pointless. I wanted to move on, but it would only do me no good if I rush things. I'm just tired of the fake smiles. The way I answer you 'I'm okay' when I'm not.

Call it karma, or whatever you believe in but I'm keeping my hopes up that you'll come back. If you won't then you won't.

The last liter of tears has been shed.

Arrividerci

'Till we meet again. I'm saying goodbye, to all the possibilities and to all the expectations. You're choices hurt me a lot, but I bet you feel the same way. I can't tell you what to do. The best for me is to ignore you.

Over

Everything has been said and done, proof that not everything is worth the wait. I can't say I don't feel bad but something in me tells me that I should be happy. I can't tell more than how I can feel. I'm blank. I need to go to the mall or something, and at the same time stay here and burst into tears.

I am sad, because we haven’t talked that much. The last time we talked was last night. And you were shouting at me via SMS. Ugh. I dunno what I did for you to hate me this much.

I just wanted to see you and hear things from you, was that bad? I miss you

Dorothy got pawned

Stalk

I have this habit of checking your facebook wall everynight. Just to see if you have updated your status.

I miss you already.

Return

There you were, standing in front of the place where we shall meet. I was with my friends, from afar I can see you as I peek into the window of the cab I am in. As I open the door I see you watch me pop my head out of the window, thus, you flashed a smile.

A simple gesture that made my night, I missed you. After several shots and a few problems, I ended up back to your arms, and you kissed me in front of everyone I know.

Here I am again, waiting for you to comeback, Yes, coming back, you. Nothing's wrong with that. You told me you are so I will wait. Tonight, you told me you still love me. But you need time to think, I'm giving it to you. I'm sure it will be best for us. After 5 months, we'd still find our ways back to each other's arms.

You don't know how long I have waited for this. I've entered several relationships after you but nothing seemed right. If this happens. I will never let you go. Letting you go once filled my life with regret since this moment.

So I won't.

I love you, L.

Birthday 2011

It was hella fun. Countless greetings had flooded all my Social Networking accounts. Got drunk before my day ends. Bonded with my best friends the whole afternoon.

Ecstatic. I can't wait for Saturday.

Is that the best pet name you can think of?

So you call me Bori and I call you Willow. Yes. Our names inverted. I know it's nothing significant for you but for me, it brings my butterflies to ecstasy. You have problems, I bet with him. I wouldn't bother asking what happened because I'm afraid to know something.

I'm afraid to know if you are hurt. What ever hurts you might hurt me too. After all, sayo na nanggaling. We have this special connection. Corny it may seem, but true.

Question Existing

So I had all the courage to ask you one question that's been bothering me for the longest time now. We were on SMS. Suddenly, I felt the urge to ask him; 'So, bakit kaya after ko hindi ka na nagkaboyfriend ulit?'

Sent a follow up message that read: 'That question is out of pure curiosity'

I waited for an hour, no reply came. I think the person was too personal. But then my phone vibrated. It's from him. His reply read:

'Let's just say I'm waiting for someone'

I suddenly smiled. Wishing that I was that someone, but I myself turned my hopes down by replying. 'OMG. Akala ko ba may someone ka na ngayon?'

Now. I wait again. in vain.

Cool Off

I need time to think. I need time to relax. I need time to Just breathe. I need to think. About everything. Every move I make is critical. Every word can make or break what we have. We have issues we can't deny, or is it only me? See you soon, or so I think? We can't tell what the future brings.

I hope we can work this out. I just do.

Closure

Everything I wanted to hear came, or so it seems. We were having a friendly conversation and some hints of flirting but nevertheless both of us are hesitant. Not wanting to make things awkward.

Then I had the sudden urge to ask you: "Bakit hindi mo sabihin sakin kung anong mali ko dati? Tanong lang yan'

I was waiting for his reply, without knowing that I wasn't able to send the message. So I sent it again.

As expected I fell asleep. I woke up at 7AM and read this reply: 'Yung mali mo eh yung paniwalaing may ibaka na and ang gusto mo lang palang gawin ko eh habulin ka... Hindi pa ba sapat sayo lahat ng effort ko para mapatunayang love kita at kailangan mong gawin yun?'

And I bursted into tears, and went back to sleep again. And I replied as soon as I woke up:

'I wanted you to fight for me, that's all...'

Gondola Ride

You and I are getting closer and closer again. Hindi ko alam kung dapat akong maging masaya. Alam kong nararamdaman mong isang hatak mo lang, makukuha mo ulit ako. Pero hindi ko alam kung anong nasa isip mo, o di kaya anong nasa puso mo.

Meh. Ayoko na sanang magdrama eh. Kaso hindi ko na talaga kaya. Ang hirap lang kung hindi ko ivevent out. Mahal ko siya, kaso nasasakal na ako. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ko kakayanin tong pagkapit kong halos kuko nalang. Ang masaklap pa. Overcut yung mga kuko ko. I'm barely hanging on.

Hindi ko masabi sa kanya kasi alam kong nasasaktan na siya. Sisiguraduhin ko nalang ba na hindi ako ang unang bibitaw?

Nalulula na ko. Bakit ko pa ba naisipang sumakay sa gondola mo, kung palilipatin rin pala ako?